The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
