You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
