your parents love me but you hate me
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
