i love accidental penises.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
