i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just forgot I was standing up.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
