i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
