Im at strip club and am horny
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
