We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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