Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
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Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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