Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
