so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
