I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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