Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
