I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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