the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
