fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
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I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
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We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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