i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
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She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
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So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.