After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20