So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
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we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
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Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?