Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
