I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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