I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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