is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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