i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
