Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
