You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
