I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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