I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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