where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
