Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
