Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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