Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
