she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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