things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!