So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
