Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
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