You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
