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my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
