it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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