I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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