I think my fart just growled at me.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
