so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
