Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
