Got a toothbrush?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
