I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
