my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.