Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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