Already got asked if we're dating
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
