The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
