I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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