so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.