My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
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First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.