That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....