I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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