I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
