As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
