When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
