if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
